Almost Paradise

(I think it's actually not a song about Footloose, but Disneyland.)

Holiday Gift Guide: No 4 - Condescending Book Club Guy

1. James Joyce for Dummies He knows he hasn't really read Ulysses. You know he hasn't really read Ulysses. He knows you know he hasn't really read Ulysses. Nothing says "stop talking" like giving the failed novelist this handy reference book.  2. Nicholas Sparks Box Set Wrap this up with some sunscreen and a card that says "Beach reading!" 3. So Long, Insecurity Self-explanatory.

Holiday Gift Guide: No. 3 Sports Boss

1. BalletBoys Tickets - What a champ your boss is, huh? A guy who is always talking to you about "The Game" and who seems to really get a kick out of sweaty groups of men bumping up against each other in the name of sport. Well now you can give him the gift of his dreams - BalletBoy tickets! After all, who displays more outright athleticism than this all-male ballet troupe? 2. Ladies in Lavender Criterion Collection Fantasy Football is obviously just a front for your boss to spend so many work hours glued to his monitor watching his two favorite actors Dames Judi Dench and Maggie Smith in the lovely and moving tale of spinsters in a small Cornish village in the early 20th century. 3. Peyton Manning's half-eaten Taco Bell Beefy Crunch Burrito Now available on ebay. GET IN THE GAME!

Holiday Gift Guide: No. 2 Apple Obsessed Co-worker

1. Apple-Flavored Metamucil After all, your-coworker did say he loves Apple anything. 2. Zune HD Self-explanatory. 3. Nickelback's Here and Now (in .wma format only) Perhaps he can listen to this next time he's camped out an Apple Store in the wee small hours of the morning.

Holiday Gift Guide: No. 1 Smug Designer Friend

It's that time of year. When you begrudgingly give gifts to people who you don't really like.

Maybe it's a co-worker. Or maybe a boss. Or an in-law. Or maybe for Secret Santas you drew the one guy in your book club that never emotionally left his MFA program and turns the discussion toward literary theory when you just want to talk themes and eat snacks. In any event, now there's a lot of quarter-hearted gift-giving going to be happening, and you need to deliver something that will send the right passive-aggressive message.

If you've found yourself in a similar pinch, please take solace that you're not alone in your miserliness. Rather, find inspiration from these gift guides detailing ideas for the all types of people you unfortunately have to buy stuff for this year.

And now. Part I.

1. Edible Foraged Wood From Free-Range Pinyon Pine. Nothing says "I really care about responsible eating and want everyone to know it," like foraged wood. Pinyon pine has the nuttiness of Idiazabal, the scent of your neighborhood park and the texture of a wet gym towel. Delicious artisanal goodness. 2. Eames Rocker Earrings The most stereotypically coveted chair of all your design friends can now swing from their earlobes. Of course, they'd never be able to afford the real thing working freelance and part-time at their local bar, so now they can have a much smaller version. 3. Finfolk 1-Year Subscription Ever wish you could find a magazine that covered your dual loves of dolphins and typography? This magazine is just for you, I mean, your friend! Don't miss the holiday issue covering the latest in dolphin folk music, the saddening epidemic of dolphin ennui, and the how-tos of preparing small-batch seaweed. 4. Ombre Umbro The nineties are back in vogue, and so is ombre everything! OMG ombre! 5. Literal Infinity Scarf Heh heh. Heh. 6. Gold-dipped toilette tissue Since we're gilding everything in sight, why not toilette paper? (Toilette - it's French.) This will look so cute in their chevron-themed bathroom, dontcha think? 7. Dog that sets type What could be hipper than a typesetting dog? This dog knows his lowercase like the back of his paw. Order now, and your friend would even have time to have him typeset their letterpress Christmas card! Yip-yip, yip-yip, yippee!