Nursery Rhymes For Modern Babies

Has anyone actually read these things called nursery rhymes? They're, what's the word, ghastly? Yes, I'll try ghastly for 200.

The fact that we read these R-rated relics to babies is a tad strange. Although rhymey and sing-songy and deliciously bite-sized, they are really just EPITAPHS OF DOOM AND GLOOM.

Poverty (Pop Goes the Weasel), Violence (Fee Fi Fo Fum), Widespread Disease (Ring a Round o Roses), Sexual Scandal (Georgie Porgie), Hunger (Old Mother Hubbard), Obesity (Handy Spandy Jack o Dandy) Domestic Violence (Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater), Decaying Infrastructure (London Bridge is Falling Down), A Pig Who is Unjustly Excluded from Grocery Shopping! (This Little Piggy).

They are so dark and violent. The line "Be he alive or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make my bread"?  A man who locks up his wife in a giant gourd?  No wonder babies scream out mid-night. Maybe what I mistook for cutting molars is a vivid nightmare about bones being removed to make a loaf of sourdough! And yet. And yet.

They're sorta cool. But honestly, they're not really relevant anymore.  If we insist on exposing our kids to these dark little ditties, we should at least put them in am updated, recognizable context. Right? Like modernize them a bit.


Jack Splatz ate only trans-fats
His wife was a strict vegan
They lobbied against Bloomberg's soda tax
Because they can't live without caffeine


Here comes Mister White Collar
Makes all his money on the high dollar
When stocks go still, he launders the bills
He's an admirable Wall Street baller

Fly, fly, fly,
Little drone fly
Get civilian kiddies
And don't bat an eye
Run, Run, Run
Little kiddies run
The drone will pass you overhead
And scorch you like the sun



Hepatitis B
Got Jacky D.
Hepatitis B
Got Marcie P.
Hepatitis B
Got Pauly D.
But Hepatitis B.
It won't get me!


Tina met a man at an LA club
Who smelled of malt and rye
He slid a rufie into her drink
And waited for time to pass by


Hey diddle diddle
Our nation has too much credit card debt
Hey, ho.


Goodnight. The world has gone to pot! If you need me I'll be boarding up the windows on my house and stockpiling water and wheat! See you in the millenium!