experiment: emotionality

It was on Valentine's Day that Jared told me my blog has no "heart."

Was I offended? No, not particularly. I write about experiments, so naturally I adopt the cold, strictly observant front of a scientist and intentionally keep a lot of personal details and feelings out of it and off the internet. We all very deliberately craft our online personas, and what do you want, this is mine; striving for objective truth (and hilarity!), and not wanting to cloud things with actual feelings or divulge any private information. After all, I'm an INTP. I know many consider these Jungian assignments as quackish as zodiac signs in terms of correctly identifying personality types, but to that I say, "Have you ever met me? of COURSE I'm a Scorpio."

So in rebuttal, I used these defenses and said this was the style of blog I wanted. That nature had made me this way. He said it was like reading "a journal for very limited peer review." I think he meant this as an insult, but what can I say, I was flattered. Anyway, maybe these preferences of mine do account for my blog being,"heartless and emotionally unengaging" -JC. I would have just said "private," but okay.

To prove that I am capable of emotional depth, I will now compose a heartwarming story about the day of hearts that will warm your heart till it gets so hot that it splits in two, and a confetti of little, smaller hearts pour out all over the place. Like a Pound Puppy. <3

We spent the entire day together. That in itself is enough of a V-day treat for me. Jared's been busy this semester teaching two, production-heavy classes
(post to follow later), so getting to see him for consecutive hours (plural!) in daylight, is exciting.

This is our third Valentine's day together, and neither of us really care that much about the day's "significance" so we just treat it like a normal Saturday. We got pancakes for breakfast. We went to the post office. We went to Home Depot to get soil for my dying plant. I don't know the name of it but all you need to know is that it looks like it belongs in a Dr. Seuss book. We went back to his house and jammed in the basement with Josh Fronk (a man who I'm pretty sure does have a heart and a very generous one at that). He taught me the pentatonic blues scale on the bass and guitar. I played with the drum machine for twenty minutes. We took a nap.

We laid around and did voices (I'm getting good at Bill Cosby, Jared's nailed Chilly Willy and Wall-e). We danced around to Van Morrison. Jared made fun of Van Morrison. I punched him in the stomach. We danced around to my ever-popular itunes playlist, "Seduce Jared With Black People Music." We sang in two-part harmony to Al Green. I got an "I just got engaged" text from Christina Kim.We watched the Valentine's Day episode of 30 Rock on his laptop and came to the mutual agreement that Salma Hayek is hot. I laughed more than I thought I would. I wanted a McFlurry. Instead I ate some Nutella straight off a spoon.

We split an omelette. He gave me the good half with all the crispy cheese bits. He took another nap. I laid next to him and read Tobias Wolff's "The Night in Question" and woke him up a few times because it was making me laugh out loud. He started speaking to me in tongues.

We exchanged gifts. I got him "Atonement" from the 10 dollar bin at Target, even though I didn't really like it all that much, because he loved it and cried his pretty blue eyes out.

He drew me a picture:

I laughed. I used to have literal dreams about marrying John Lennon in grade school. Kind of obsessed with the dead Beatle. In middle school, I used to fantasize about Conan O'Brien proposing to me while Andy and Pimpbot 5000 showered us with rose petals and Max Weinberg broke a romantic beat on his drums. It was a cool gift, and probably at the uncool end of things he's made for me, so let that speak for itself. Maybe when I learn how to use my heart to its full extent I can share more of the amazing but private things he's said or done or made.

We were hungry for dinner. We brainstormed somewhere funny to go on Valentine's day. He suggested Chuck-a-rama. I suggested the Harley Davidson restaurant. We decided my suggestion was funnier but found out they closed at 5pm on Saturday. I guess the hardcore bikers like to have their dinner at 4. ? I vetoed Chuck-a-rama but it didn't matter because they were closed anyway. Sizzler? Olive Garden? Where else would be funny but wouldn't have a 2 hour wait? Sometimes I think we are too obsessed with irony for our own good.

I finally decided I wanted pizza. Jared doesn't like pizza much, but reluctantly agreed. This is because he loves me. It was at dinner where we had our lengthy discussion about new media and our role and responsibilities as contributors and what kind of content we want to create for an online audience. A very interesting conversation. An enlightening one, too, as I learned my blog, like my heart, is cold and impersonal. And that I have "Facebook elitism". Hmmm.

We ate all our pizza and left. We'd talked about watching our Netflix movie, but neither of us really felt in the mood for The Last Temptation of Christ. Odd. Instead we went to Blockbuster and stared aghast at the offerings in the new release section. We decided we'd just leave and go watch Cold Mountain. Nothing wrong with a little Jude Law, eh? (If there were another visage immediately after the Conan one it would no question be Jude.) We made it about halfway through and fell asleep at 2am. There you have it. The day of love.

What I have learned:

This is still just a laundry list of what we did, isn't it? Damn, it. How does one write about emotion! How does it work? How do you, collective internet users, muster enough (courage?/honesty?/ vulnerability?) to talk about your feelings openly and broadly on the internet? Am I just heartless? Help me!


an emotional infant


Corinne said...

3 things:

1. EEEEEvvaaaaaaa!
2. I love, love, love Tobias Wolff's short fiction. All of it. Let's start a two-woman book club.
3. I was hoping you decided on Cold Mountain because it offers the best "love" scene in cinematic history.

Kerianne said...

Tough problem. I do the same thing. Laundry list things I've done and expect to remember the emotion based on that skeleton structure of a day. It's not that I feel vulnerable writing, "I am sooo gosh darn happy!" Its that I hate people who do and think that it is a complete expression. There is a moment of self hate when I using exclamations in my writing. I've started to use them though becuase I think people don't understand my emotional cues correctly without them. So here is my advice. When you really want to express emotion, make it as short as possible. That way, you can't be angry at myself for not putting it perfectly.

I feel good today and thought, "I'm lucky and brave and have a nice man."

casey elizabeth said...

oh, that card he made you just brings me joy. i love a man that embraces our former loves, lennon and obrien.

i think another jc should have been drawn on there somewhere. perhaps below with and infinity symbol below him or something.

i dunno.

ps i think i get over emotional/vulnerable on my blog. it's impossible for me not to. i am an enfj afterall, AND a sagittarius.