experiment: my-so-called-life-at-25

what i have learned:

1) i had terrible taste in (fictitious) men in 1994!

why i alone, let alone a storm of pubescent girls chose to drool over JORDAN "I'm illiterate" CATALANO instead of sweet, brainy, fro-boy next door BRIAN KRAKOW is unfathomable. unacceptable.

when watching it at 12, as a deluded little sprite, why would I pay any attention to Brian when I could swoon over the much more "attractive" Jared Leto? No brainer. Of course. The object of my affection was "mysterious" and "moody" and "played mediocre collective soul rip offs on his acoustic guitar." Meanwhile, the CLEARLY inferior Brian K was "annoying" and "dorky" and worst of all, "blond." If anything, his character soley existed to contrast just how much of a creamboat Jordan was.

But I watch these episodes now and am angered and disappointed with my 12 year old self. C'mon AA! You should have known better! And the real tragedy in all this is that for the most part, I'm sad to admit, I chose real life Jared Leto douches over Brian Krakows until the end of high school. Yes, football players and guys who drove Camaros and bleached their "tips." How was I so brainwashed by that blue eyed daemon? Most puzzlingly, how could I have justified a parasocial relationship with someone who COULDN'T READ?

Oh the folly of youth. Please forgive me, Brian Krakows of Shawnee Mission West.

2) remember Bush? Sixteen Stone? love it. love it like a little baby.
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experiment: consumer reporting

whoa. I have just been informed of something kind of shocking and hilarious, thanks to my epidemiologist friend Dan, who says

"I question the wisdom of naming a cafe after an abortion-inducing poison."

It's true. Yikes. Poor choice, friends.


pennyroyal café.

I have no intent to slander, but you will not survive unless your service gets 100% better. meaning, don’t make out with and fondle fellow employees during serving hours, and don’t let patrons stand awkwardly in the front of the restaurant, unsure of what do to or whom to speak to.

also, figure out how to use the generous space you’ve rented. it looks hollow.

on a positive note, your apple and brie 'wich was good.

with faith and good will,


what I have learned:

I could manage a restaurant rather well, but it’s something that would give me little long term satisfaction.

I am very grateful to be long gone from the food service industry.

Style without substance is ultimately useless.
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experimental (arts): 2008

According to the Chinese, 2008 was the Year of the Rat. To me, it felt like the Year of the Owl because it was the year I mastered flight. Also, I learned a ton.

If you think owls carry an unfair stereotype as being the smartypants of the animal kingdom, just listen to this: the day we dissected owl pellets in high school bio, what did I find to my astonishment and delight but traces of Mensa puzzles, Economist articles, muddied m
öbius bands, and a bit of Stuart Little's mangled right paw? I say they have earned their bragging rights as scholars and gentlemen.

And this was my year to follow in the flightpath of that old, grizzled Chinese Owl, learning all sorts of things like how to like, love, talk to/like adults, SEO, deal with credit cards companies, 401Ks, sew (sort of), cook (sort of), start a business, use the phrase "gild the lily" appropriately, get fat and happy and self-actualized and all that. On the other hand, my media consumption suffered considerably. Is this just what happens as you get older?


Finding the Beatles Christmas Records from '64-'69 in mp3 format! I had never heard these before. Best
unexpected Christmas gift, hands down. Cribble Mismas to me.

I didn't listen to music very much this year but I did give these due consideration:

Jelly Roll Morton - Mister Jelly Lord
Fennesz - Black Sea
Department of Eagles - In Ear Park

Beck - Modern Guilt
Fleet Foxes
Mason Proper
Ivana XL

Instead, I mostly just listened to lots of old standards -(Pulp, Bob Dylan, Eno, Uncle Tupelo, Karl Blau, Songs Ohia, blah) and newbie Taylor Swift (who saw this one coming?).
This was my favorite song in '08.

I was also turned on to Awesome Tapes From Africa and that was a particularly pleasant find.

Scott Walker - The Drift. Um, terrifying. I also give a big fat "meh" to Vampire Weekend.


How is it possible that I didn't even go to one show this year?
(Or did I? Apparently if I did it wasn't so memorable.)


The Road. Simple but packs a punch.


The Sacred and Profane Love Machine
Welcome to the Monkey House

No Country For Old Men
Calvin and Hobbes (
Jesus the Christ (still working my way through it but I feel confident enough)

Guy Davenport. I really, really like most of the challenging, layered stories in The Death of Picasso, but its
glorified and graphic pedophilic themes make me (ME!) uncomfortable. Also, it's a little too smug in its "experimental fiction"-ness for me.


Flight of the Conchords. (Dedicated to you, '08 Owl).

Are You Being Served?
My So Called Life
any 30 Rock scenes that include Tracy Morgan

ummmm. . . nearly getting addicted to The Hills, online, somehow.


Wall-E and Paris, Texas (tie)

Getting to see a film print of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Dave lightspeeding through the supernova is insanely awesome on a big screen.

Rachel Getting Married
Mister Lonely
Green Porno
Scenes From a Marriage
Milky Way Liberation Front
Let the Right One In
My Winnapeg

Husbands and Wives
Kramer vs Kramer
New York and Kung Fu Panda (read my thoughts on these last two).

Vicky, Christy, Barcelona
The Idiots
The Dark Knight
Nick and Norah's Ultimate Snoozefest
Theater of War
Gates of Heaven
Slumdog Millionaire

3 Women. Whaaaaaa?



Pantrucas, hiding out in a stripmall a little north of the Provo Temple, makes the best sandwich ever - the Churasco Palta. The owner is also fascinating.

Kitchenette Omelette, but made in my own kitchen for ten dollars less.
Whole Foods' goat cheese spinach salad with blueberries and soy nuts, made in my kitchen for 4 dollars more.
Hatch Family Chocolate's Dark Chocolate Caramel Krispy.

La Esquina.
India Palace.
English muffins.

Cheese (assorted).

Gandolfos - what has happened to you, downtown location? You used to make the best West Side Story and
now it's just a soggy, sad mess.

Gurus- when did all your entrees get so bland? If it weren't for your sweet potato fries I don't think I'd even visit you at all anymore.

Dinosaur BBQ. Please, I'm from KC, you're gonna have to do better than that.

Colby Jack. And you call yourself cheese.



sitting around and making up absurd music with jared
sitting around and making up absurd dances with jared

sitting around with jared
concepting and writing my first real website

morningside heights dance parties

hunter's drum stool
dusting off my copa mundials after 5 years of shelf sitting
starting phylum kingdom
getting netflix. duh.
hieing to kolob - >

corinne and ted getting engaged!

testimony. line upon line, precept upon precept.
my entire family getting together at thanksgiving.
leaving new york to start a creative writing program and then dropping out of the mfa

leaving new york to start a creative writing program and then dropping out of the mfa
my entire family getting together for thanksgiving and all getting the same awful illness.
the election. what an annoying time that was.

What I have learned:
I am very interested in science and nature, though still rotten at that Trivial Pursuit category
I am very blessed.
Provo is a cool town.
Things that smell like cinnamon are irresistible to me.
I would make an excellent contender on American Gladiators because

Watch out 2009, you old Ox. You are mine.
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