Well, another week has come and gone and my dream of Donald Trump physically inflating mid-debate to match the size of his uuuuuge ego has gone unfulfilled. At this point things have become so cuckoo that I feel like the version of political theatre I’m watching has morphed into community theatre absurdism. The things this guy says, eh? What a jokey-pants. The soundbites coming out of this guy remind me of another sometimes-tyrant who says similarly nonsensical, incendiary things—my three-year old toddler. Who’s up for a short game of
WHO SAID IT: TRUMP OR TODDLER?
1. “Who’s that weirdo?”
You probably guessed Trump, but no. This particular brand of intolerance comes from my three-year old son in reference to a man riding a unicycle on BYU Campus.
2. "Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it!”
TRUMP. Or maybe it was Kayne. Or maybe Tracy Jordan.
3. “I am the smartest one in the house.”
He is, probably, because he doesn’t spend energy watching the republican debates.
4. “I am the boss of everything.”
HINT: The person who said this did so after an authority figure would not allow him to eat pancakes until he agreed to put pants on. That doesn’t clear it up for you enough, does it. Just take a guess. Go ahead! Your odds are 50/50 - just as good as Trump becoming president!
5. “This place smells like cow poop.”
Okay, if you said Trump I’d like to give you half a point because everywhere he walks probably does smell like fecal matter because he is in fact the one occupying the space. (It was actually my toddler talking about the Museum of Natural Curiosity in Lehi, Utah.)
6. "While Bette Middler is an extremely unattractive woman, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct."
Did you guess Trump? Congratulations. I will show my toddler Beaches in a few years and play close attention to his reaction during her scenes. He does think the girl squirrel in Sword in the Stone is cute, so we may circle back to this question and redact or edit it in a couple years time.
7. “She just gave me a tiny wink!”
Toddler, referring to his newborn cousin. The adjective should’ve tipped you off. Trump would probably say the wink was huge, and that he can tell a lot about a woman buy the size of her, um, eyelashes.
8. “Tiny children are not horses.”
TRUMP. Demonstrably true. My 40-pound toddler cannot be ridden like a pony, unfortunately for me.
9. “Nobody builds better walls than me.”
Trick question! Both said it! Toddler referring to his lego fort and Trump referring to his plans for the Mexican border.
10: “Sorry. I think I have a little poo in my underwear.”
BOTH. Just kidding. I don't think Trump apologizes when he does that.