experiment: sequins

“seriously, sequins? haha who wears sequins anymore?”
“maybe i’ll just try it on for fun. as a joke, yeah. . . no harm in that surely, heh heh”
“wait, that one is better, check out that black to silver gradient!”
“maybe I can wear sequins."
"now that i think of it, even jcrew has sequiny tops."
“okay maybe just for the holidays. you’re allowed to sparkle on new years, yeah?”
“i’ll just um, sneak it in between these two shirts and try it on.”
“hmmm. emmmm. hmm. hahahaha.”

what i have learned:
no.

experiment: hospitality

in the past, i've felt a disastrous hostess. i don't do well at planning things ahead of time and manage what time i do have poorly. usually i'm too busy dancing or walking in on people making out to make the rounds to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves. and i also don't know how good i am at anticipating needs. My old manager used to tell me, "it isn't enough to just bring what people ask you, you have to bring them what they don't even realize they need." so what- give people the "don't stop me now" before they realize they have a freddie mercury itch that needs to be scratched? well i didn't, lindsey did. ah me. but in spite of it all, including a slight baking gaffe, Burning Down the House(warming) Party was on most accounts a thunderous success! thank you all for being there, loving talking heads, and bringing us glasses with cartoon udders!

it would be nice if everyone could be in the same room at once.

spencer, probably pitching a noxema :30 to the writer/director of the Vietnomedy

holy halle berry, look at all this symmetry, will you! nick and rgs are starting to look like the same person to me in different color schemes. mirror images, who like to relate adventures to brunette couples at the SAME TIME.

preparing for his danceoff, dave tipples.

he can probably explain this better than i can.

danciest female: lindsey
danciest male: yancy/ manatee
most lyrically impressive: rachel. i don't know her last name but she knew evvery word to every jay z song ever invented.

what i have learned:
1) turns out i'm not much of a hostess because i don't really care about most things. as long as we've got good people, good snacks, and a little bit of alcohol in lindsey, everyone will have an entertaining time. [note: i am not posting the video of the futuresexx/lovesounds danceoff because i have been threatened.]

2) hickory pistachios will ruin pistachio apricot oatmeal cookies. screw you, fairway.

3) where are corinne and casey when you need them?

experiment: beating gondry to the punch

what i have learned:
today for halloween, spencer and i reenacted a few movies and transferred them to VHS and mos def showed up and we became rich and ferociously famous. ok OKAY, ok, i'm a bit of a hyperbolist. but doesn't spencer look just like danny lloyd? halloween is boss.

experiment: alternative recordkeeping

okay, amazon let’s talk. i really am impressed at how genuinely interested you are in “recommending” various media to me, really. and usually you’re pretty right on, i’ll give you that. and i guess i’m “appreciative” of your desire to keep me on top of my musical and literary games. but holy cow, i’m starting to feel like maybe i’ve let you in on too much.

i mean, you know things i’ve never told anyone. for instance, you’re one of the few who know about blue crush, and i think the only who knows about ladies in lavender (so good to have that monkey off my back). and your knowledge of me is starting to creep me out. you know more about me than i do.

take for instance, the buzzcloud feature i just discovered today while ordering for book club

it’s 60% creepy and 40% cool that this exists, documenting my purchases from amazon in the past, i don’t know, 5 years? "Creepy" because this non-person, gigantic fortune 500 company has (very valuable actually) personal information that rivals that of friends and family.“Cool” because i now have a sort of visual record of much of what i was interested in during college. it’s much easier than actually documenting all of my tastes by hand. instead i’ve just printed this out and will glue it in my journal. lazy. also, now when people ask me what i'm into musically (which by the way makes me really nervous for whatever reason), i can now just hand them this print out rather than rambling off album titles or mumbling, "i dont know , everything."

would you date someone based on their buzzcloud? i think, sadly, there would’ve been a point when i would have. and what do you think of me now that you know i enjoyed both a terribly penned surfing movie AND a movie for the bluehairs (what, the music was amazing). am i even more confusing to you? am i, jared cardon? am i? i live to bring complexity to your life. complexity and HOTNESS!!!!


what i’ve learned:
i think i need some better experiments. i know you’re all feeling anticipatory about that. i will probably not let you down.

experiment: nyc subletting

passive aggressive notes aside, my roommates have been cool. recently, they've gone to pot. on sunday mornings, tuesday mornings and sometimes friday afternoons.

the best part is that while I've quarantined myself in my room to avoid the smell i told myself i was done smelling post-nathan, i suddenly hear a few familiar intonations coming from the living room while they toke. it occurs to me that they are playing marley. MARLEY! so so great. and these girls went to wellesley for crying out loud.

what i have learned:
1) cliches. love em.
2) i got skunk'd.

experiment: pop rocks at the Rock

what i have learned:
kissing with pop rocks. hmmm. not the sensory overload you might think. and contrary to that old canard - "sugar makes everything better," - i assure you, no. not so. kind of sticky and gross. on top of that, i believe we chose the wrong flavor. watermelon pop rocks don't really taste like anything, no fruit flavor, no fruit flavor at all! gushers would probably be more exciting.

experiment: baking, part II

presenting the newest creation: macaroni and cheese pie.

what i have learned: sometimes there's nothing more glorious than being american.

experiment: trend setting

i'm bringing unsexy back.
i'm bringing comfy back.
i'm bringing 1993 back.

join me.



what i have learned: i know what you're thinking. but i have learned that comfort is worth it. plus for awhile there i was in real danger of being "one of those girls who gets pedicures." also, that is One Attractive Sandal.

look for next week's experiment "trend setting, the sequel" on how i plan to reinstitute the "middle part - no bangs" style to girlworld hairworld! go team ugly!

experiment: substance use

i have a shake shack hangover.

experiment:

this was supposed to have been spanish. i think spanish is probably the sexiest language ever. (spanish: smells like burberry london, tastes like that caramel looking cheese from better cheddar, sounds like tom zé , looks like what would happen if the cast of enemy at the gates mated with sweden). but well well, who's got the TIME to LEARN that. i opted for the less time-intensive: good ol american sign language. (go usa!!!**!)

every tuesday kimmy and i head down to 14th street for a free course taught by the missionaries. i'm picking it up rather quickly i'll have you know, but to its credit, most of ASL is pretty intuitive. in addition to spelling your name out using the ASL alphabet, signers also have a shorter way of signing their name—one that has to be given to you by a deaf person. cedric, who is deaf, bestowed my sign name upon me. it’s supposed to represent the color green and also the trait of athlete/soccer player, but when combined my sign sort of looks like i'm flipping someone off. f you, speaking public of new york!

i'm six weeks in.

these are some things i can sign:

question
refuse
family
run
music
teacher
embarrassed
boyfriend
wash
music
i'm tired and hungry

and some i cannot:

lacquered
incumbent
carrot cake

and some i need to learn how to sign:

please sir, do not grope me on the subway.


finally, on a spiritual note. . . .

last week cedric bore his testimony in sign. it's amazing how things like spirituality transcend language barriers. we also learned how to pray in sign language a few weeks ago. it’s fascinating to watch this outpouring of devotion all through hands and facial expression.

what I have learned:

in addition to learning enough sign language for basic speechless communcation, i've also been instructed in some ASL slang. everyone seems to know the typical hand guesture for saying "i love you." the sign to the left is a variation on that, only this means "i really really love you." cedric advised us to use this only when you really love something or someone. so use this sign you guys, but use it sparingly!

experiment: veggie tales

(PROLOGUE: does anyone remember this show? the non-denom christian program with singing cucumbers and tomatoes? or what about slim goodbody?)

this particular experiment is about 7 months in the making. it all began last september when i went to the festival of lights at the hindu temple in spanish fork (i’m tempted to abbreviate it to SpaFo. SpaFo:Spanish Fork :: SpaHa :: Spanish Harlem). whatever. we were upstairs listening to a surprisingly young krishna? talk about his faith and answer general questions. after listening in earnest for close to an hour, i sort of lost interest and headed downstairs, when i stopped mid-stair to read a poster. it caught my attention because of the huge animal teeth, snarling at me unexpectedly in a building full of pacifists. the poster was all about vegetarianism, and how humans, physiologically, are not equipped to eat meat. something about our pores, and the placement of incisors, et cetera.

anyway, i read the entire thing with genuine interest and then proceeded down more stairs. the others had started eating, and i wasn’t hungry nor did i want to spend 6 bucks on a cup of rice, so i just meandered around and thought about trying on some indian vestments. against one of the walls they had all these long posters with pictures of LDS general authorities, which commanded attention just because it was so unexpected. turns out, many of the early apostles were vegetarians. a lot around the turn of the century. they had various reasons for abiding by this diet/lifestyle, but a lot of them based their decision on health and the word of wisdom. anyway, i know that americans eat too much meat as it is, and definitely not just “sparingly” or in times of famine, so i decided right then i’d go without meat for a week, just to see how i felt and to prove to myself that i could in fact do it. i ended up doing it for about three months. this was last semester.

anyway, i decided about two months ago i’d start it up again. for a medley of reasons (cauliflower, zucchini, broccoli):

a) i feel healthier. i need this because other parts of my body are on a transportation strike, namely Right Knee, making running an impossibility
b) i've yet to accept an offer, and i'm likely to fall into pauperism at any moment
c) there is plenty of more-than-adequate veggie fare in this city. i really like vegetables.
d) i wanted to be a hippie and/or people thought i was a hippie for a lot of years. it might get me in with the hippies. plus i hate wearing a bra so this new lifestyle seems to support (or maybe not support?) this image

now as someone who has never subscribed to the book of dieting even amidst roommates on atkins and anti-atkins, i had kind of always thought that giving yourself overly stringent dietetic limitations (such as cutting out what is considered by many an entire food group) was silly. i'm more about intuitive eating, except that's not always safe either as my intuition tells me it's "perfectly fine, nay normal" to eat funfetti cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. (here is where i thank this blessed creature for returning from provo this weekend with this cake mix in tow, since i can't locate it in manhattan).

but seriously, both last time and this time around this whole vegetarian thing is totally doable. i don't even crave meat. really, after a while your body just adapts. i can easily resist the temptation of all my old meaty vices. corndogs. chicken marsala. that pimento loaf stuff with the tiny bits of cheese tucked into a cozy bologna bed. not that i eat that much meat anyway. but i feel so much better without. now, to be fair to all those red-blooded americans out there, yeah, who knows how much of this falls under a displacement theory— since i'm not eating meat i am eating a lot more whole grains and vegetables. but i felt and still feel tons better have way more energy. and i really don’t have a protein deficiency due to my obsession with creamy peanut butter. and pistachio rice pudding.

what i have learned: there is something smart about being conscious of what you are consuming. and cutting down on meat probably isn't a bad idea for anyone. to the word of wisdom i say word. oh, and milk does a body good, too. that includes milkshakes. and the occasional burger supreme, which i will be visiting come april.

experiment: baking

who wants boring heart-shaped cookies for valentine's day when they could have sugar cookies of my INTERNAL ORGANS!! i'm vehemently opposed to the objectification of women, although if people started commenting "check out the pair of lungs on her!" i guess i wouldn't be so opposed. my lungs are pretty amazing, albeit a little burnt.

what i have learned: blue and violet make grey. blue and violet and green make kidney.

experiment: i must be in La Jolla!

last night i dreamt i was in a bunker in Nazi Germany! (Underneath the Stage of the Nelke in the HFAC). hiding out with my Co-Conspirator! (Unidentified Male Friend). i was tucked, clandestinely (or so i thought) into a pullout drawer, containing a casket. (yeah, never actually seen anything like that underneath the Nelke, although We once used some yarn to hang an infant doll from a pipe). i was discovered by a German who looked like the man who spares Adrien Brody’s life at the end of The Pianist (name coincidence!). rather than requesting a recital, the German started talking to me about books. After we conversed about a few of his favorite novels (which i guess i had read and knew fairly well, enough that i could deliver some mildly officious rant) he handed over his knife to me "for protection", having decided, on the merit of my literacy alone?, to let me live. books will SAVE YOUR LIFE! this is interesting to me only insomuch as it comes at the same time when i have just decided upon my newest experiment! reading! solely for fun and learning. not even for the bookit personal pan pizza.

50 books in 2007.

as was judiciously pointed out, this late in the game i’m going to have to average a little more than one a week. doable. so what counts here? non-fiction, poetry, scripture, screenplays, novellas, a little manga perhaps? i have a lot of classics i’ve been meaning to read, and i don’t want to get desperate late in the game and just pick up some R.L Stine, knowing i can knock it out in an hour. Welcome to Dead House comes to mind. i wonder where all those others in teh series are. . . . probably in cahoots with my troll dolls. the only one i’ve found is the one playing the violin in a tux, and although he ardently pounds out some impressive arpeggios, (espeically considering the length/girth ratio of his fingers--please refrain from making a joke here--) is a little dull and certainly not as fun as the one who I dressed as aladdin and sent down 79th on a skateboard. true.

this guy was the first. . .
(finished saturday)

which was pretty great. engaging. saunders writes sort of like lewis carroll meets carrol channing meets joe klein meets calvin klein meets outdated and scratchy denim modeled by hillbilly bodybuilders wearing shirts that say “SPECIAL FRIEND”. meets me. hello. nice to meet you.

got pastoralia as well, also by saunders. if he is as imaginative in this as he was in phil, then i’m set. then i have a few i've started and never finished—rise of the creative class, the lost girl, walking on water, life is elsewhere, anna karenina. then i’ll swing the way of the czechs and do the unread kundera, the irving catalogue, some saul bellow (checked out henderson the rain king), frank o'hara, of human bondage, and then just about everyone i know has recommended that i read history of love, but i feel like i’m going to be stubborn and this will be another harry potter or da vinci code situation where i refuse to read it simply because everyone else is. i know i’m being stubborn and stupid but at least i can own up to that. or maybe i'll just borrow it from corinne or something.

so, for this Read-A-Thon, as it were, i will also be accepting sponsorship. like a dime a book or whatever you want to give. once you have pledged a certain amount, you can pick some adrienne real estate and i will advertise YOU. but hurry, the leg-front properties are going fast! (<--someone should hire me, just for that, seriously. or hit me really really hard in the face). put my college education to use! you can choose how you want your sponsorship to be displayed. maybe you want to brand your initials on the inside of my wrist ala skull and bones. or have me wear a shirt with your likeness. i could wear a mask of your shining happy face. my body, and wardrobe, are the limits! let's nascar it up!

sponsor and aquaphile jared w cardon opted for this upper back tattoo

ALSO. in addition to your financial support, suggestions for books will be graciously accepted. i am currently booked (get it, huh huh) until march. but post-march, the future is great and wide open tom petty.

what I have learned: it’s not so much about me here as it is what we can learn together. dan neises might call this “synchronicity,” and you know what, i think he’s on to something. READ FOR AMERICA.

experiment: low-key christmas

which you really wouldn't guess seeing as how while i'm typing this, my mom is pulling two cheesecakes out of the ovens, adding to the apparently inadequate dessert fare we already have: pumpkin cake, oatmeal cookie dough (does anyone actually like cookies better than dough?) toffee, and about 10 half gallons of ice cream, none of which are coffee flavored. but you see, this is post-christmas and is surprisingly high-key and high-production in light of the christmas trio of me, mom, and dad. i don't think we've ever had a christmas with less than 6 people, so it was a pretty quiet house. but super relaxing after a really weird and semi-stressful run toward graduation. as i'm getting older, i really don't care about presents either, so it was low-key in that respect as well. but i think that although the quantity of gifts (received and given) has decreased, the quality is pretty great (my demand curve is inelastic!):

adrienne surprised me with a subscription to esopus.

the best illuminating device i can think of with which to decorate my new apartment. unless lindsey and cichelli will let me get the leg lamp from a christmas story. which now that i think about it is super sexist. so it will probably be a male leg, maybe michael owen's.

finally. a good way to tell the world how much i love math.

safe.

new running shoes! icy streets rendering them currently obsolete!

the first read of the new year.

where will the crispin glover plane visit this week? no one knows, because he is one discreet bastard.

what i have learned: contrary to what i've heard, christmas doesn't get less fun as you get older. it becomes more fun and a lot of more interesting. that, and i love having an entire floor to myself.

experimental art(s)

2006: The Awards

BOOK
first place: bilgere's haywire
honorable mentions: paper cathedrals, letters to a young poet, meditations in an emergency
let-down: the fact that i've been trying to read karenina for like four months and am only approx. 50 pages in

FILM
first place: the three burials of melquiades estrada
honorable mentions: jesus camp, inconvenient truth, thank you for smoking, you can count on me, eat drink man woman
let-downs: apocolypto, little miss sunshine

ALBUM
first place: the books "lost and safe"
honorable mentions: psapp "the only thing i ever wanted," jóhann jóhansson "englabörn," (band of) annuals "repondez," fleetwood mac "rumours"
let-downs: sufjan stevens, arctic monkeys "whatever people say i am, that's what i'm not," gnarls barkley "st. elsewhere"

FOOD
first place: chicken nugget
honorable mentions: palace cafe, tacomania veggie burrito, cappuccino ritter sport
let-downs: pita pit falafel, the toast and raw egg that were thrown on me mid-shower

PERSON (CELEBRITY)
first place: kim jong il
honorable mentions: cheney, rumsfeld, rumpelstiltzkin
let-down: swedish prime minister fredrik reinfeldt

PERSON (NON-CELEBRITY)
first place: hunter
honorable mentions: ugly club, yancy, christina, jared, the girls of 357 n
let-downs: strasberg, semen boy

COLOR
first place: black
honorable mentions: green, brown, grey
let-down: red

what i have learned:
1) you don't have much in the way of discretionary income for artistic pursuits when working for nine cents an hour.
2) lots about FGM.